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  “Shut the hell up, Thomas!” My mother screamed, finally fed up with people trying to talk over her. “I've been shutting my mouth for years and I'm tired! Just get out! Get out of my house!”

  With her bloodied hand, she picked up the pan of mashed potatoes and flung them in his direction. “Get out!”

  She then picked up my aunt's mac and cheese and threw it on her. “I don't want any of you on my property!”

  At this point, my dad's side was deflecting food being thrown at them, and my cousins started throwing bread rolls at them too. I chuckled a bit before starting to throw candied yams in their direction as well.

  Soon enough they cleared out, and the chair at the head of the table was covered in food. My mom started to laugh, and because her laugh was infectious we all joined in.

  We laughed until our bellies hurt and our throats protested because it was all so funny but so damn liberating.

  My mom finally stood up to my father's family after so many years and I couldn't even begin to understand how free she must've felt after she threw the first pan of his own food at him.

  Once we all calmed down, she slid the turkey off the table, and moved her own food over. “Now, we eat.”

  Zeus smiled at me, before we all dug in with our forks.

  So we ate all of my mother's traditional food, danced to my mother's Habesha music on top of my dad's food and rapped throwback songs on the rooftop at the top of our lungs through the late night, after cyphing a few blunts with my cousins.

  Even with all the insanity that occurred a mere two hours ago, I knew why I wanted to come here. This was my home.

  “Cash, I've been thinking about something for a while, and I've talked it over with my coach,” Adonis said, lighting up another blunt before passing it to Dreya.

  “What's up?” I asked, my brain starting to get into that hazy state. “I'm all ears.”

  “I wanted it to be a surprise at dinner but that all turned to shit so I’ll just tell you now,” he said, leaning his head on the satellite behind him. “I'm transferring to NAU for basketball after the semester is over.”

  My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. “Y-You're what?”

  I couldn't breathe, and I could feel my chest tighten. It was all coming true, and everything was set into place. Justice got what he wanted after all.

  “—breathe. Adonis, what the fuck happened to her?” Zeus' voice floated into my mind, and I could only hear broken fragments of the conversation.

  “—panic attack. …gets them often.” Isra now said something, and I could no longer see the night sky looking down at me. It was only pure darkness until I couldn't feel anything.

  All that was running through my head was that they got what they wanted.

  seventeen: play

  “Cash, fucking breathe!” Adonis yelled, shaking my shoulders.

  Quickly, I jerked myself away from him and swallowed the polluted air. I was gasping for breath, and instantly I knew I had a panic attack.

  “I'm fine, I'm fine,” I assured them when Isra started to help me up. “I'm good.”

  “The fuck was that?” Adonis asked, his eyebrows furrowed. “I thought you said those stopped a while ago.”

  “They've been starting up since—”

  I cut Isra off, not wanting her to say anything. Adonis still has no idea what happened, and I'd prefer if he didn't. And with the possibility of him coming to my school, I couldn't ruin that opportunity. “Since this summer. A lot has been going on recently but I've been handling it.”

  “This is what you call handling it? Having panic attacks and telling me it means nothing?” He then turned to Zeus, his eyes glowing with accusations. “Does it have to anything with him?”

  “How about you get up out my face and stop talking what you can't handle?” Zeus replied, his jaw clenched as he stared back at Adonis.

  Timmy pressed his hand against Adonis' chest, to hold him back. “Chill out!”

  “Can y'all relax?” I all but screamed, which got their attention. “It has nothing to do with him.”

  I didn't even feel like smoking anymore, and I'm pretty sure no one else was in the mood either since the blunt that was once lit was on the floor. What a waste of good weed.

  “Cashmere,” Adonis said, and I knew he was being serious because he never used my full name, “are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I replied, although I wasn't sure if I was. My brother was about to join the team that destroyed me, but I didn't want to be the person to ruin his dreams. The league was no joke, and I knew his goal was to ultimately get drafted, and the only way was to play for a good school.

  “Let's just go inside,” Isra offered, rubbing my back and helping me up. “It's getting cold.”

  We all stood up and went back inside. I felt as if I had messed up the mood of the evening, but it didn't seem to faze my cousins. They were making beats on the walls as they went down the steps, which made everyone laugh and join in with claps. If they were trying to distract everyone from what happened, they were doing a great job.

  I felt Zeus grab my forearm, and he let the group pass before releasing me. He bent to look into my eyes. “What's going on?”

  I sighed. “Nothing. I'm just stressed with everything happening all at once.”

  He nodded and stayed silent, before placing his hand on my lower back to go down the steps. By the time we were at the main level, the dining room and relatively clean. It seems my mom tidied up all the food after what went down and by the loud laughter from my aunts in the den, I knew she was going to be okay.

  But was I? I wasn't sure anymore and I didn't want to bother anyone about my inner problems.

  “Cash?” I turned around and Dreya stood in her doorway, only her head peaking out. “You good?”

  I smiled and nodded. “I think so.”

  She sent me a look and made the texting signal with her hands, which mean she wanted me to look at my phone.

  A few moments later, it buzzed in my back pocket and I took it out.

  dreya: adonis told me what happened?? is it because of him transferring?

  cash: yea he doesn't know and I'm not going to tell him

  dreya: does Zeus know

  cash: no he doesn’t

  dreya: ok but how are you gonna stop adonis from going to nau

  cash: i'm not. why would I be the one to stop his dream

  dreya: cashmere. you're being dumb as fuck right now.

  I ignored her last message and placed my phone down. I knew she knew I was ignoring her because my phone started blowing up with texts.

  “I swear, you sigh more than you smile,” Zeus commented, a grin on his face as he peered at me over his phone.

  “Stress does that to you,” I responded, shrugging a shoulder. “At this point, I wish I was on campus.”

  “Well, you don't have to be here all weekend,” he offered, placing his phone on the table. “You could always come to my games.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that? I don't want to distract you.”

  “You won't,” he assured me, moving across to rub my arms. “I want you there, cheering my name from the stands. And then when we win…”

  He trailed off to give me a soft kiss, which almost had me melting in the kitchen chair.

  “…I want you screaming my name, with you in nothing but my jersey and those knee high socks you love so fucking much.”

  Sitting in New Jersey while freezing my ass off was not how I expected to spend my Thanksgiving weekend.

  My hot chocolate has since gone cold, and I was shivering in the stands. The three layers couldn't protect me from this bone chilling cold, and I swear I could see flurries beginning to fall from the sky.

  “Fuck,” I whispered, when the whistle blew again. I didn't want them to keep pausing the game, I just wanted them to hurry the hell up so I could go inside and warm up.

  Zeus' seats were right above the bench, and I had a clear view of Diego, Levi, and Zeus on t
he field. Before they got in formation, they dapped each other and did a hand signal, which was probably a signal for a play.

  I did not care about football one bit, since I was raised in a basketball house who claimed “the Knicks were going to take it this year” every year. I didn't bother to understand the rules, so I just paid attention to when someone from North Atlantic had the ball.

  Shivering, I sat back down in my seat, hoping this could end faster. I only agreed to this because Zeus asked, and I was guaranteed a happy Zeus if they won. And so far, the score was 20-6 so the night was in my favor.

  “Cash?” I turned around and my eyebrows raised.

  “Darius?” What are the odds that my ex from high school would be in the same stadium as my current boyfriend? Darius was still as attractive as he was back then, his tall stature towering over me. His dark, blemish free skin made me jealous.

  “I just saw you from three rows behind, and I knew it was you,” he said, his smile still bright after all these years. “What's good?”

  I smiled slightly as he hugged me but didn't reciprocate. I wasn't going to forget how he tried to get with Kayla and my other friends behind my back so many times. “I'm good.”

  “So, who are you here for?” He asked, taking a seat next to me, as if I invited him over here.

  “My boyfriend and my friends,” I answered, before focusing back on the game that I didn't even want to watch. It was better than conversing with him, that's for sure. I don’t even know why I was giving him the time of day, I should’ve punched him.

  “You got a boyfriend?” He questioned, as if I wasn't telling the truth. “Stop playing, you couldn’t get over me back then.”

  My jaw dropped, just as the buzzer rang, indicating that the first half was over. The players started walking through the tunnel, but I saw Zeus hang back to look for me in the crowd. He smiled and waved, and I had to force my unhinged jaw into a smile.

  It wasn't long before I heard boos sounding from my section, and I looked up to see Diego and Zeus coming down the stairs, helmets tucked under their arms.

  “Hey,” Zeus greeted, kissing my cheek and pressing his face to my neck. Since he was still sweaty, I screeched and shoved him away which made him laugh.

  “Wassup, Cash?” Diego said, pulling me into a tight hug. “I hear you're the reason Coach wants to beat Zeus up.”

  “His dumbass should've gotten on the plane with y'all,” I said, slapping Zeus in the stomach. “I've been telling him that. And why are you guys up here? Shouldn't you be in the locker room rehashing or whatever?”

  “This team sucks,” Diego said, rolling his eyes. “But you're right. C'mon, Z.”

  Zeus turned to leave with him, but not before stealing a chaste kiss on my lips. “Remember what I said.” He looked to my left and saw Darius, who was shockingly quiet for the entire time. Zeus raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down before chuckling and going back up the stairs.

  I couldn't help but laugh as Darius traipsed back up to his seat. He should've known better.

  eighteen: pass

  five days later

  I was sitting in my class with Diego, and I was playing a game on my phone. I didn't really have to pay attention anymore, considering that the professor hasn't changed his final in six years.

  When I was trying to aim my last shot before I leveled up, Diego shook my arm and caused me to shoot accidentally.

  “Fuck,” I muttered, as I lost a life in the game. “That was my last life, dickhead!”

  He rolled his eyes. “You never gave me a play by play of Thanksgiving.”

  “And we couldn't do that without you ruining my game?”

  He sighed before tugging on the sleeve of my bomber jacket. “How about lunch off campus? I'll pay.”

  “Okay.” I wasn't passing up free food ever. Being broke in college does that to you.

  After class, we made our way to a small diner a couple blocks away from campus. Woburn wasn't very exciting unless NAU was hosting an event, and most of the action was in Boston, which was twenty minutes away.

  Picking up the menu, I scanned the items and quickly decided on a California burger with a coke. It was probably going to be shit, considering the fact that this was a mom and pop diner, and they've most likely never even been on the West Coast. But there's a first time for everything, right?

  “So…” he started, taking a sip of his water from the table. “What went down?”

  I laughed before playing with the salt and pepper shakers. “You sound like a gossiping housewife. But it went great, except for the part where my dad was being a xenophobic piece of shit.”

  “Yikes,” Diego said with a sharp intake of breath. “You didn't say he was that bad.”

  One of the shakers tipped over as I shrugged, and the salt grains spilled on the table which caused me to quickly throw it over my shoulder. “He's known to be worse, but it's okay.”

  I didn't want to talk about my father anymore, so I cleared my throat and changed the subject. “How was the Fordham game? Sorry I couldn't go, I had to get back on campus for work.”

  The waitress set the food on the table, and immediately my mouth watered. It probably wasn't the best California burger there ever was, but the smell was making me reconsider.

  “We won, as expected.” He smirked and picked up his sandwich. “New York area teams are trash.”

  My jaw dropped, and I placed my elbows on the table. “Say word.”

  His eyebrows furrowed, clearly confused by my statement. “What does that mean?”

  I sighed and shook my head. I kept forgetting that he’s not from where I’m from. “Forget it. But we're not that bad. We got Odell Beckham Jr's fine ass on the Giants.”

  Diego rolled his eyes and sat up straighter which caused me to laugh. “He's not even that good looking. I give him a run for his money.”

  “Y'all are like close equals but not quite there,” I managed to get out through my laughs.

  “Who is better looking: me or OBJ?”

  My eyebrows raised at his question. It felt like the mood had changed just like that time in class before. I'm not dense, I can obviously tell that Diego liked me in some sort of way. But what was I supposed to do about it? I was dating his best friend.

  “Definitely OBJ. His body and the tattoos? He was crafted by God's hands himself.” I pretended to swoon, and he threw a French fry at me, which had me laughing all over again.

  I didn't miss the slight look of disappointment in his eyes when I answered, though.

  After my lunch with Diego, I was walking back across campus to my dorm when I got a call from Adonis.

  “I'm on your campus, sis!” He said when I picked up. “Meet me at the North atrium.”

  My heart dropped. “Y-you're here? Now?”

  He laughed, which made me assume he was joking until he said: “yeah, come link me. I just finished all my transfer documents.”

  “I'll be there in a few,” I said, before hanging up.

  I couldn't believe my brother was on campus to join the team that almost ruined my life. I knew it was my fault since I didn't say anything before, but I didn't want to. And let alone the basketball atrium… there was too much history between those wall for me to even step foot in there. I didn’t want to face anyone on the team.

  I even told my mom to keep it to herself, and she told me eventually the truth was going to come to light, which was probably true. But I was hoping the team lived up to their non-disclosure agreements and said nothing to him.

  Before I knew it, I was in front of the atrium. I haven't been in here since last year and it felt so strange to stand here after everything.

  “Cash?” I heard my name called, and I turned around to see Wesley Molloy, my ex-boyfriend. He still had the same curly hair he used to sport, but he cut his hair shorter and now it framed his face.

  “Oh my god, hi,” I greeted with a forced smile. It's not as if we had the worst breakup in the entire world, but he reminded
me of last spring.

  “What are you doing here?” He asked, but it wasn't in defense. It was out of curiosity.

  “Um, my brother is transferring here for basketball,” I explained, following him inside as he held the door open for me.

  “Are you serious?” He said in disbelief, his eye wide. “We might actually have a winning team this year.”

  “Do you really think so?”

  “He was one of the best high school players a couple of years ago, and he still is, even though he's on a D3 team,” he said as we walked onto the court.

  My brother was chatting it up with other members of the team before he spotted me and sent a bright smile my way. “I can't believe I didn't want to come here at one point. Wassup, sis?” He engulfed me in a hug, before pulling away.

  “Hi,” I greeted, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Justice and Leo standing near the bleachers, staring at us. Their intense gazes couldn’t be shaken, and even the months of therapy couldn’t prepare me for confronting them in person again. I had to be strong. I was able to face Justice in person last week, so the two of them should be no issue. But the stares wouldn’t stop and now I was starting to get upset.

  “Is there a problem?” I yelled in their direction. I used to be very fearful of them, but they didn’t scare me anymore. “Because y'all are staring at me like there's about to be one.”

  Leo just widened his eyes and simply placed a hand on Justice's shoulder when it looked like he was going to say something. In response, Justice laughed and sent me a smirk while Leo just shook his head and walked away from him.

  I focused back on Adonis and Wesley, who were looking at me funny. Adonis was confused, while on the other hand, Wes looked shocked that I even said anything.

  “What is going on?” Adonis asked, clearly baffled by everything happening. “And why are you so buddy-buddy with your ex?”

  “Please stop,” I muttered to him, my cheeks aflame before turning to leave. I knew I shouldn't have come here. Wounds were reopened anytime I fiddled with the past, and my brother was unintentionally ripping the bandages off.